You Deserve to Take Up Space
With somatic exercises for taking residency in the body and a guided "Gratitude Body Scan" for paid subscribers
Great news! Fierce Boundaries: Practical Skills and Somatic Exercises for Healing in a Traumatized World drops May 1 in both ebook and paperback! I am so excited to share years of training and lived experience to support you in healing wounds of belonging and tending to your wellbeing. This book could make a great mother’s day gift because we know moms deserve the care and attention they’re always giving everyone else! Just saying…
Here’s an excerpt below:
For much of my life, I have believed that I take up too much space. My body is too large, my energy is too big, my experience is too much. As a result, I’ve tried to confine myself so that I can “fit in,” to the narrow space society has offered me. This has resulted in feelings of shame, self-criticism, chronic constriction of my muscles, habits of clenching and pulling inwards, and holding myself in a posture that closes me off to relationship and connection. There is a deep wounded part of me that believes it is not safe to occupy all of the space of my physical body, and that I have to tuck my wings in and be small and contracted to belong.
This belief likely comes from a combination of early traumas related to my adoption and experience of witnessing violence, and the toxic body shaming perpetuated by my peers and the media. Unraveling this subconscious programming has not been easy, and it is still an ongoing journey. The brief, informal mindful movement practices I learned in MBSR and taking the time each day to walk my dogs and intentionally release tension from my body have helped me tremendously. If I get lazy, however, and do not regularly attend to sensations in my body or disregard my need for movement and space to stretch my limbs and fully inhabit myself, I can easily fall into bad habits that trigger muscle aches and joint pain.
In my therapeutic and consulting work with clients and educators, I often offer brief guided movement activities to get things started or after we have dipped into a potentially triggering or highly emotional topic. Even though most people groan and express resistance to moving, because they say they are “too tired,” once they do engage their body in gentle rhythmic motion, their attitude shifts. Not only is movement a primary intervention for regulating the nervous system after traumatic stimulation, but paying attention to the body moving also helps people shift attention away from their thoughts and allows them to inhabit their bodies.
It is easy to forget that the body exists when we are working on a deadline, hyper-focused, or believing that others will judge us as unproductive if we take time to stretch or stand up from our desks. In truth, taking a moment to move the body increases blood flow to the brain and re-energizes the mind for increased focus and productivity. Furthermore, when we force ourselves to sit or are “stuck” in a position for long periods of time, this can activate our feelings of being trapped, especially if we have experienced confinement in previous trauma, and we can unknowingly retraumatize ourselves.
But the noticing of these habits gives us the opportunity to relate to them differently and to choose care for ourselves, even when it seems like a radical act. Any movement that opens up the body and allows you to take up space can be supportive. Additionally, rhythmic movements or those that alternate attention from left to right across the midline of the body, such as twists, side bends, or balancing poses done on both sides can be especially regulating.
Even if you do not have time to attend a formal yoga class or put out a yoga mat and get into pretzel shapes each day, it is possible to integrate body awareness and gentle intentional movements into your transitions and attitudes. Believe it or not, it is okay to stand and stretch during a meeting, go for a short walk at lunch, or step out into the hallway and fully extend your limbs. In fact, others will likely be envious of you for taking the time to honor your body, and they may even be inspired to follow your lead. Start by believing that you deserve to take up space, and that your body has a need for regular rhythmic movement that needs to be honored as a matter of survival.
Somatic Exercises for Taking Up Residency in Your Body
Butterfly Breaths: Come into a standing posture with your feet hip-width apart and your knees bent slightly. Check the tilt of your pelvis, imagining that the pelvis is a bowl filled to the top with water, and you don’t want the water to spill out the front or the back. Trace attention up the torso and back body, lengthening the spine. Relax the shoulders.
On an inbreath, lift the arms overhead. On the outbreath, lower the arms back to the sides. Repeat this exercise for at least five rounds of breath. You can play with the timing of your breath, synchronizing the movement with your arms. What happens as you slow down the movement and lengthen your breath? What happens as you speed up?
Warrior: Come into a wide lunge, with the arms extended parallel to the ground (you can also do this posture seated in a chair if needed). Turn the back foot so that it is perpendicular to the front foot. Sink down through your hips and extend through the fingertips of both hands. You might even choose to turn the head and bring the eyes to the back hand, then turn the head again looking at the front hand, sending your attention through the length of your wingspan.
Soften the muscles of your shoulders, inviting a sense of engaged ease, not striving, or reaching for it, but resting into the posture with intention. Spending time cultivating an attitude of “engaged ease.” Imagine you are both strong and receptive. These postures allow you to practice softening the front of the body and strengthening the protective back of the body. Sustaining warrior postures for longer periods of time can help to balance the yin and yang, cultivate discernment, and to be open to giving and receiving while also remaining alert and skillful at protecting.
Five-Pointed Star/Vitruvian Man: For this practice, find a place where you can move freely throughout a room or outdoors, away from others. Clear a space so that it is free of obstacles or pets who may get underfoot.
Start by coming into a standing posture with your legs a little wider than hip-distance apart. Bring your arms out to the sides so that your body makes a five-pointed star, like in Leonardo DaVinci’s Vitruvian Man. Allow yourself to take up all the space in your body, from fingertip to fingertip and from the top of your head down to the bottoms of your feet. This is where you live. You belong here. This isyour body, and you get to decide what comes in and what stays out.
Now, shift your weight over to the left foot and lift the right foot off the ground, keeping the shape of the 5-pointed star. Balance here, as best you can for a few rounds of breath. Release this and shake out the arms for a moment. Then return to the 5-pointed star posture. Once you have restabilized on both feet, shift the weight over to the right foot and lift the left foot off the ground. Take a few rounds of breath here. Release and shake out the arms again.
Move with Abandon: Return to the 5-pointed star posture when you are ready. Begin moving your arms from side to side, front to back, and explore your “wingspan.” How far does your body reach? Can you feel where your body begins and ends? You might even notice sensations occurring beyond the reach of your body.
Move into the space around you and take your body with you. Let yourself expand into the room, filling up all the available space with your body. Allow this movement to become a dance. Take care to stay present with your body and connected to sensation from moment to moment. Let your body move youhowever it wants to, abandoning all constraints and freeing yourself from the chains of shame. Dance like no one is watching. If it feels available, shake, pound, stomp, and expand your limbs fully and with raw, animal energy.
If you are willing, invite your voice to fill the space too. Are there words or sounds that want to come out of you? Are there things you need yourself to hear? You have the right to be as big as you need to be, to take all the space you need. What does it feel like to be a little less contained?
Reflection: As you interact with others and engage in your daily communications, bring attention to how you hold and move your body. Are you giving yourself permission to take up all the space you need or are you shrinking yourself to meet the needs of others?
Now, for a special gift for paid subscribers:
A relaxing, 20-minute “Gratitude Body Scan” practice to support you in coming home to yourself, falling asleep, and releasing tension.